cosmopolitan

What are short-term situationships doing to our mental health?

When Sara, 27, found herself crying in the bathrooms at work for the third time in a week she knew something had to change. The cause of har tears? A short-term situationship she’d been in for the last four months. I met Tim through some friends, and we immediately hit it off. We'd both come out of long-term relationships a year prior and established pretty early on that we were each looking for something more casual she tells me. But for something that started as a fun, low-commitment dynamic, Sara's situationship quickly began to have a noticeable impact on her mental health.

“He'd give me the boyfriend experience some days — cute text messages and check-ins and thoughtful acts of service like cooking me dinner after I hod a shitty day at work — and then other days it was like I didn't even exist to him. The inconsistency and hot and cold nature of it all really started messing with my head and my self-esteem,” she says. Sara’s not alone in finding situationships emotionally complex to navigate, and she certainly won't be the last person to find themselves crying in a cubicle aver one (unfortunately, I can say this from personal experience).

First coined in 2017 by writer Carina Hsieh, a situationship is a romantic or sexual relationship that's undefined and noncommittal in nature. The term has surged in popularity in recent years and in 2022, Tinder reported a 49% increase in members using ‘situationship’ in their bios. Anecdotally, someone who's long-term single and es about sex and dating, it certainly looks like situationships have become a mainstay of the contemporary dating landscape. When I ask Caroline Weinstein, a clinical psychologist and a directer of the Talking Cure Psychology Group whether she believes they’ve become more commonplace, she’s quick to confirm my line of thinking. “In my 20 plus years of experience working with clients, and especially the younger cohort, I’ve observed a notable increase in the prevalence of short-term situationsnips,” she says.

She believes the increase in noncommittal dynamics like these can be attributed to several societal shifts and technological advancements. “The ????? of dating apps has fundamentally changed how people meet and interact. These platforms offer a vast pool of potential partners, making it easier to form connections quickly and casually. The convenience of these interactions can lead to relationships that are less committed and more focused on immediate gratification. My husband also has a theory that these apps have the express interest of keeping users on the site and hence ‘gamify’ the selection of partners to the point of addiction. It also means that in the back of your mind you’re always thinking there might be an even better match for me out there so I’ll just keep looking and scrolling,” she explains.

In 2022, Tinder reported a 49% increase in members using 'situationship' in their bios

Caroline’s also noticed a wider cultural shift towards delaying long-term commitments, especially among young people. “What I nave witnessed is that many young people are prioritising personal growth, career development and self-exploration during their early adulthood, leading to a preference for more flexible, noncommittal relationships. And older clients that may have already experienced marriage, divorce or loss seek out situationships as a way to find companionship and intimacy without the complications of a fully committed relationship.” But what are situationships, particularly short-term  ones like Sara’s, doing to our mental health.

Surviving situationships

Of course, like most things, it's not all doom and gloom. As sex coach Georgia Grace reminds me, for some people, situationships are perfect for what they're looking for. “They can connect, have fun, date, relate, have sex with people and it's perfect for them,” she says. But others, including some clients she speaks to find them incredibly challenging. “They're really fatigued by how many short-term situationships they find themselves in and they want to be in a longer-term relationship, so of course, it’s really dependent on the individual, where they’re at and what they’re wanting.” As a psychologist, Caroline also sees clients who love the flexibility and short-term nature of situationships but tells me she speaks to many people who feel frustrated by the ambiguity and lack of clear expectations they present. "For those who develop deeper feelings, the lack of commitment can be painful, as they may struggle with unreciprocated emotions or the realisation that their partner does not share the same level of investment in the relationship. Additionally, some clients feel that situationships prevent them from finding more meaningful, long-term relationships, as they may get stuck in a cycle of temporary connections that don't satisfy their deeper emotional needs.”

While Georgia believes it's too nuanced to definitively say whether situationships are harming people's mental health more than they're helping, like Caroline, she tells me situationships can make some people ‘feel lonely, isolated, anxious and confused.” It's a heady — and particularly unpleasant — cocktail of emotions. It's one Sara is intimately familiar with. "On the weekends, if I didn't hear from Tim, I would honestly feel so awful. My mind would immediately jump to visions of him with other girls, and it always left me feeling worthless and insecure,” she tells me. When she would hear from him, she never felt like she was getting the level of communication she desired. "He'd take hours or sometimes days to respond to me and it got to a point where it felt like there was such a bizarre disconnect. We were so incredibly intimate when we were together, and he'd sometimes do these relationship-like things. The sex felt so connected and loving that when I was left on read or ignored for four days in a row it would make me feel honestly insane.”

When it hit the four-month mark, Sara realised their situationship was making her feel miserable and anxious the majority of the time. Her self-esteem, she tells me, was "in tatters.” "I hated myself and assumed that he didn't want to treat me better or communicate more consistently because there was something wrong with me." After seeking out a therapist, she began working on rebuilding her confidence and decided to end things with Tim. Sara, like many other women I speak to, ultimately realised that short-term situationships just aren't for her. "I realised that if I'm going to be seeing someone as often as I would in a committed, serious relationship, and having really incredible, intimate sex and couple- like experiences, then I want the possibility of it going somewhere and evolving. And more than anything, I want consistent communication, respect and honesty."

Caroline has noticed that for some of her clients, continually engaging in situationships can lead to emotional exhaustion and an increase in stress and anxiety. More worryingly, situationships can wreak havoc on people's self-esteem, just like it did for Sara. "If an individual consistently finds themselves in situationships where their emotional needs are not met, it can take a toll on their self-esteem. They may start to question their own worth or feel unworthy of a more meaningful connection."

Getting clear on what you want

If someone's going to enter into a situationship, Georgia believes they need to look inward first. "It's really important for someone to get clear on their needs, their desires and their boundaries. Ask yourself how is this method or way of dating affecting you. When do you feel supported, when do you feel cared for, when do you feel let down, how are you feeling throughout the day? If you're wracked with anxiety, if you're feeling sick, if you're feeling distressed, if you're not able to work, maybe this short-term situationship isn't working for you" she explains. On the other hand, after asking yourself these questions, you might find that a situationship is exactly what you're after. “If you're feeling confident and comfortable, if you're feeling like you have choice, and, of course, you may still have certain challenges — there are always challenges in dating. But if you're feeling regulated and safe and grounded, then you know perhaps this is working for you.” Georgia believes this process of constantly checking in with how we're feeling is essential if we want to navigate noncommittal relationships in healthy and productive ways. More than anything, it allows us to "examine and challenge any times that we're putting up with something or someone because we feel like we need to in order to find quote-unquote ‘the one.’”

Caroline echoes this sentiment, telling me that taking time to reflect on what you truly want from the relationship is key. "Are you seeking fun and companionship, or do you hope for something more serious? Understanding your own needs will help you navigate the situationship with greater awareness. Once you're clear about your needs, establish personal boundaries that protect your emotional well-being. This might include limits on how often you see each other, the types of activities you engage in, or how much emotional energy you invest. She also emphasises the importance of self-care and having a support system — friends, family, a therapist — who can provide you with perspective and emotional support.

As with any relationship, whether platonic, romantic or sexual, communication is key. Caroline suggests honestly discussing your expectations early on, and if possible, having an open conversation with the other person about where you both stand. "While this can feel vulnerable, it can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that both parties are on the same page. Express your concerns. If you're worried about how the situationship might affect you, share this. Sometimes, simply voicing your fears can alleviate some of the stress and anxiety." Regardless of the outcome, she recommends viewing situationships as an opportunity for personal growth. Examine your patterns of behaviour and what you learnt about yourself, your needs and your boundaries, then use these insights to guide your future relationships.

Sara agrees. “If I hadn't had such a challenging and emotionally painful situationship, I might never have gone to therapy, which has truly changed my life in so many ways. I also don't think I would have been clear on what I do and don't want if it didn't happen.” Understanding what does and doesn't serve her in relationships led to her dating different types of people, which is how she met her long-term partner Nothon. “I might previously have overlooked my current partner because for years I was too caught up in other components of dating. Going through a traumatic situationship opened my eyes to how much I value consistency, open communication and having someone who wants to be in my life all the time, not just when it suits them. So, in a weird way, I have my situationship to thank for finding the love of my life.”